經(jīng)濟(jì)觀察網(wǎng) Ward Andrew/文（經(jīng)濟(jì)觀察網(wǎng)英文部實(shí)習(xí)生 加拿大 北京大學(xué)大三學(xué)生） 湯向陽(yáng)/譯 怎樣才能找回童年？有人只比我大一歲，但是卻會(huì)對(duì)我說(shuō)：你太小了，好好享受年輕時(shí)光，然后自嘆：我太老了！我笑笑，心里想：我從未想過(guò)年長(zhǎng)一歲會(huì)如此可怕。聽(tīng)到他們這種論調(diào)然我想起了我的童年。但當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己對(duì)發(fā)生在久遠(yuǎn)過(guò)去的事情仍記憶清晰如昨日的時(shí)候，我很驚訝。“這怎么可能？”我想，我的童年去哪兒了？
什么叫找回童年？事實(shí)上，除非我知道童年何時(shí)結(jié)束，否則我無(wú)法回答這個(gè)問(wèn)題。到底是什么時(shí)候在哪兒結(jié)束的呢？是我13歲，15歲還是18歲的時(shí)候？還是當(dāng)我能單獨(dú)出外的時(shí)候？還是我高中畢業(yè)或者大學(xué)畢業(yè)的時(shí)候？還是當(dāng)我開(kāi)始長(zhǎng)皺紋、掉頭發(fā)的時(shí)候？我覺(jué)得依靠這種辦法是沒(méi)法搞清楚我的童年是什么時(shí)候結(jié)束的。我不能簡(jiǎn)答地說(shuō)：“哦，對(duì)了，我記得童年何時(shí)結(jié)束的。那是一個(gè)不尋常的溫暖的、十一月的一天，大概下午五點(diǎn)一刻。這之后我管媽媽要了一杯茶。”
這種念頭讓我思考是不是人們的生活方式?jīng)Q定了他是否還是一個(gè)孩子。什么都無(wú)所謂，玩鬧不止就是一個(gè)孩子么？如果真是這樣，我還是個(gè)孩子。我喜歡看電視，打游戲，跑步，和我的狗一起玩，讀書(shū)和其他很多事情。這些是不是意味著我還是一個(gè)孩子？西方國(guó)家將生活得像孩子般的成年人稱為“擁有成人身軀的孩童”，意指他們身體雖已成人，但是卻仍像孩子一般生活。如果這樣說(shuō)我，也并非全錯(cuò)。但是，即使生活方式?jīng)Q定人們是否還是孩子這種說(shuō)法無(wú)誤，我仍然覺(jué)得那并非全部答案。
如果我要找回童年，我該從哪兒開(kāi)始呢？是不是我經(jīng)歷的越多，離童年就越遠(yuǎn)？隨著我對(duì)世界的了解增多，不管是了解它殘酷的現(xiàn)實(shí)還是現(xiàn)實(shí)中的美好，我就在不能躲藏在無(wú)辜和無(wú)知的背后；我的童年正在消逝。我承擔(dān)的責(zé)任越多，童年就越遙遠(yuǎn)了。人們可以將一對(duì)夫婦產(chǎn)下嬰兒的那一刻定義為童年的消失，因?yàn)樗呀?jīng)傳遞給了新生兒。突如其然的，他們開(kāi)始承擔(dān)照顧一個(gè)如此年輕和脆弱的新生命的責(zé)任，而他們的孩子卻無(wú)憂無(wú)慮。然后我們知道，生命的重心已經(jīng)發(fā)生轉(zhuǎn)移。
如果真是這樣，除非消掉我的記憶，否則找回童年就是不可能？可是誰(shuí)要這樣？我想要保存我的經(jīng)歷，因?yàn)樗鼈儧Q定了我之為我。我想要承擔(dān)責(zé)任并在某天擁有自己的家庭。我能做的最好的事情就是在內(nèi)心深處保留那個(gè)小男孩的碎片。帶著這些碎片生活、工作、養(yǎng)家，但是內(nèi)心深處因它而知活得快樂(lè)是多么重要。當(dāng)我工作了，我仍會(huì)讓自己快樂(lè)，否則生活將會(huì)太有壓力；我仍然會(huì)讓自己保留那么一丁點(diǎn)兒無(wú)憂無(wú)慮的態(tài)度，而不是整日發(fā)愁。與其追思過(guò)去找回童年，我選擇將童年延續(xù)終生。
How does someone rediscover their childhood? I have people who are only a year older than me saying, “You’re so young”. “Enjoy your youth”, they lament, “I’m so old now.” I laugh and think to myself, “I had no idea aging one year could be so horrible.” Nonetheless, hearing them say this makes me reflect on my own life when I was a child. I end up surprising myself when I realize that something I remember so vividly happened so long ago. “How is that possible?” I wonder. Where did my childhood go?
What does it mean to seek my childhood? The truth is I cannot answer this question until I know when my childhood has ended? Where and at what time? Was it when I turned 13 or 15 or 18? Did it end when I could go places by myself? Did my childhood end when I graduated from high school or will it end when I graduate from university? Could it be when I start getting wrinkles and losing my hair? I think finding when my childhood was lost is impossible by these terms. I can’t simply say, “Ah, yes!! I remember when my childhood ended. It was an unusually warm day in November at approximately quarter past 5 in the evening. I asked my mother for tea afterward."
This leads me to wonder if it’s the way we live that determines who is a child. Does having a carefree attitude and playing lots of games make a child? If this is the case, then I guess I still am a child. I like to watch TV, play video games, run outside, play with my dog, read books and lots of other things children do. So does that mean I’m still a child? We have an expression in the West for adults who live like children. A “boy in a man’s body”; a person who has physically matured but still lives life like a child. Someone could call me this and they wouldn’t be totally wrong. Even if I this is the case though, I don’t think this makes me a child completely.
So where do I even begin to look if I want to rediscover my childhood? Could it be that the more I experience, the more I lose my childhood? As I grow more aware of the world, both the harsh realities and the beauty that exist in it, I am no longer able to hide behind innocence or ignorance; my childhood slips away from me. The more responsibility I have, the more I lose my childhood. One could make a case that the day a parent has their first child is the day they lose their childhood as they pass it on to their newborn. Suddenly, they bear the responsibility of taking care of something so young and fragile while their baby has few worries in the world. Then we realize how much our priorities in life have changed.
If this is true, then truly recapturing my childhood is impossible without erasing my memories and who wants that? I want to keep my experiences because they define much of who I am. I want to accept responsibility and someday have a family of my own. The best that I can do is to hold on to that tiny piece inside of me; that inner child. With this I can live my life, work at my job, raise my family but include that part of me that remembers how important it is to still have fun. I still intend to have fun when I have a career or else life would become too stressful. I still intend to keep a little of that carefree attitude or else I would just worry all the time. Instead of looking back in the past to rediscover my childhood, I’m going to bring my childhood forward to me now.
